We are all taught from a very early age to forgive others. Familiar phrases such as "Forgive and Forget," and "Forgive others who have trespassed against us" have all been wired into our psyche, and with good reason, but we're missing one key piece in all this advice: forgiving ourselves.
I had a stark revelation this week. I knew something has been holding me back for the past several years but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Back in 2020 when I opened the bookstore "Moon Goddess, Books & Curiosities," I was living my best life. Even through the pandemic the shop was thriving, my healing practice was so busy I don't know where I found the time to run the store, I had most everything I wanted at that time except for a partner to share it with. So in 2021 I began to create space in my life for that person to show up. Within a month of adjusting my mindset I met someone who was determined to get my attention and did all the things a white knight is known for doing: flowers, "just thinking about you" gifts, adventurous trips, wining, dining and dancing. I was smitten. But it only took a short time before signs of what was laying under the surface of these superficial offerings of attention began to show up. Signs that I chose to ignore and excuse away. My intuition took a back seat to the ego who was starved for the love and affection of a man, and it didn’t care about the subtle cues the universe was gently nudging at me. In fact, the ego was so confident that it created a fictional world where my unconditional love for this person would change his belief system to make him completely supportive of my "hippie witch" lifestyle, even though he protested my beliefs daily and made it very clear that he felt my intuition was voodoo bs.
The gentle nudges quickly became smacks and then finally a bolt of lightning. Literally. Five months into the relationship a cascade of events, that I continued to excuse away, began to trickle down to get my attention and call me out of what would soon become a raging storm. First, the engine blew on my car. A month later I lost the bookstore and had to shut it down with no notice, and the healing practice dwindled to almost nothing. The following month I was bedridden with covid for more than two weeks, and shortly after recovering from this debilitating illness the house we lived in was struck with lightning and had to be demolished. By this time my intuition was screaming “get the hell out!” but shockingly, I still wasn’t listening. It took a few more months for the emotional abuse to beat me down to the bathroom floor where I found myself laying one night in a puddle of my own tears. I’d finally had enough and the cold, hard reality of the tile pressed up against my face was what I needed to finally wake me up. I gathered my strength, and all of my belongings, and walked away.
After that, I took a year off from my practice in order to do my own healing. But since that time the drive and ambition I once had to succeed as a spiritual healer and entrepreneur has been virtually non-existent. Every program I attempted to create failed miserably and I was lucky to have one client a month. I knew that the toll of this relationship ran very deep, but I couldn’t figure out the key to my healing. I had done so many cord cuttings, forgiveness rituals, and fire ceremonies that I felt I should have been free from many lifetimes of anguish from this experience. I could not figure out where the leak in my energy was coming from.
And then the other day I was listening to a woman giving financial advice to a zoom audience during a workshop. She encouraged us to dig deeper to uncover our truth and lead us into a meditative state to ask more probing questions. So I asked: What am I still holding on to that is keeping me from thriving the way I was 4 years ago? The answer came through so fast I felt like I'd been hit upside the head. "You're still punishing yourself."
Prior to the events of 2021, my entire life was based on my intuition. Cultivating the connection to my inner self, giving intuitive messages during sessions with my clients, and even helping others develop and understand their intuitive gifts. I’d built a reputation as someone who was fully connected with the Divine and in tune with the other side of the veil. And then in 2021, for the sake of what I thought was love, I put all that aside and missed every warning sign the universe was waving in my face.
During this experience, a belief was created that said I did not, in fact, have a deep connection with my intuition. I took the warning signs as signals to fight harder, even though everything I’ve learned through spiritual teachings says that when you’re in flow, nothing is hard. I lost trust in not only my ability to see beyond the surface, but in myself in general.
This belief has been silently running in the background of my thoughts and creating my reality for the past 4 years. It tells me I'm not good enough, that I'm an imposter, and there's no way I can make money based on intuitive practices.
So now what? I've forgiven him for his role in all of this a long time ago, but now its time to forgive myself and rewrite the negative beliefs I created. My spunkiness and drive is being called back, and I am worthy of nothing less than a beautiful existence.
As a child of the Divine, I am good enough and I forgive myself for not seeing that during these events.
As long as I work from the heart, I can never be an imposter and I forgive myself for losing confidence in who I am.
I have made money from my intuitive gifts in the past so there is proof that I can do it again and I forgive myself for not believing in my ability to be paid my worth.
If you’re ready to rewrite the programs that hold you back, join me in March for Journey To The Soul: An Awakening of Intuition, Authenticity, & Purpose.
Journey to the Soul is an extraordinary 12-month transformation experience for women ready to shed the noise of the world, reconnect with their essence, and awaken their soul’s deepest calling.
We are helping women find their true, authentic voice while expanding their consciousness through a year long self development journey and book writing experience. If you struggle with burnout, want more out of life, want to be more authentic, or are looking for deeper connection, but don't know how to get there, then this program is for you. Let us help you uncover your innate gifts and step into your power!
More info at www.journeytothesoul.love
Or
Schedule your Connection Call HERE
Comments